Make November Mine (It is not NNN, it is MNM)

Just like every average human, I also had this desire of fixing my life, my habits, my schedule, my mindset (basically my entire existence) before the new year arrives but if it was that easy, it would not have come down to 21 years of my occurring.

The more you try to hold the sand, the more it flows, there is no best way to try to bring things together than letting them go. Preaching — letting go does not suit me, because I never forget things, if you come and ask me, my hit list, it would probably have ¾ of the people I have come across in my life. But slowly, I am realizing, there is no use in holding grudges, it is either you forget or you forgive, that is it, that is the end of the discussion right there.

Now, you must be like — “Stop, what do you even want to say?” Before this new year, I want to share some of my learnings (or maybe epiphanies), so here goes a long list of my rants -

1. Sometimes, it is okay to not have a direction, a long-time vision, and a purpose, you can just get up, complete your so-called to-do, sleep and survive. This might not help in the long run but if you are somebody like me who believes in — we never know when we have to leave, so let’s just make the best of today, I can stamp the papers where it says this approach works perfectly.
2. We don’t realize the impact our behavior has on close ones, for me, I project all my negative emotions onto my parents just because they listen but I forget the fact that they won’t have anybody to speak to and the impact my words have on them. Instead, of just pouring it on somebody, I now journalize or may confront them in place of escaping.
3. I have been a people pleaser all throughout my life and standing up for myself is a bit of a problem. It sometimes hijacks my life, I have helped people going out of my way completely just to realize it was a dumb move but I still have that old school thinking — what goes around comes around. So, I don’t care if you don’t value my assistance, because it is being accounted for (pretty dumb again but never mind).
4. For the longest time in my life, I have had a very compromising personality, if you are somebody who loves cadbury, I love cadbury, if you are somebody who loves prawns, I love prawns, just because I have had abandonment issues, I used to think if I didn’t fit the bill, I would be left out, just to realize nobody fucking cares. So, now it is just me and my true self, I am open to asking questions, and voicing out my opinion, and to sum up, I have achieved stability in my personality.

I think I should end the list now, or else you shall be bored. The purpose of coming to a community platform and sharing this random bunch of pointers is to claim that vulnerability is the new normal, having acceptance and awareness of who you are is enough to pave the path for the way ahead. It is okay to be lost, indecisive, messed up, and at the same time, not lose hope because when you look back, you have really done so much for yourself already. I am also jotting the little poem that I wrote a long time back when I had my existential crises, it is called — Traumatized;

I am a walking mess, and these days I am talking less

The only constant is emptiness in my chest

I don’t fear because I don’t hear

Numbness is what we call it

Maybe a little kindness or love can stir some emotions

But my state is not what the world considers real commotion

Not having injuries evident to their naked eyes

There is a mask that needs to be peeled to make me not lie

I say enough is enough as and when I desire

Not having enough willpower is what makes me an heir of pain year by year

This is me signing off, leaving you with a lot of questions.